Saturday, February 12, 2011

Drunk Cooking I

The New Zealand government had recently put out a campaign to try and halt drunk cooking. Apparently, drunk cooking makes you burn your house down and makes you make orphans die a spasmodic death. Actually, fuck, lemme brb,I gotta check my rings.

Ok, crisis averted, now that Juan is safe, where was he... Oh yeah, FUCK ORPHANS. If you are an orphan, fuck you, I would have died if I were your parent, too. But, on a more related note, whenever I am hammered out flatter than a Jew's gold payment, I always cook my mates a dank omelette. How to make the sweetest omelette ever? Well that's easy!

You will need:

2 eggs
some cheese
some fry pan
some oil
some alcohol

Step I: Drink all the alcohol with your mates.

Step II: Mix those eggs with the power of fork and cup. At this point, if you are making it for someone else, make that skank mix her own fucking eggs.

Step III: When the pan is hot enough, pour the skank-mixed egg into the pan.

Step IV: Make sure your pan is hot enough by dripping a little bit of egg from a fork into your pan. You should have oiled your pan, because you are poor and cannot afford non stick shit.

Step V: Tell your surrounding people a deep personal secret about the person you are making an omelette for. If this is you, make it as embarrassing as possible.

Step VI: Text someone. When drunk, people love to hear about what ever useless shit your foul ass is up to. Optionally, hit on your mates sister.

Step VII: Add the cheese to the spread out omelette laying spread eagle naked under your all powerful grip. Start referring to your omelette as female.

Step VIII: Carmen should be nearly done. Flip the half that you did not apply the cheese to onto the cheesed half. As you are awesome, you should have already put some bread in the toaster.

Step IX: You are in trouble from those texts you sent earlier.

Step X: ???!?/`~??~?~??~?~

Step XI: You, or your friend of choice is enjoying a golden brown, fluffy and delicious omelette on toast. Good job, space marine, you saved the day from the New Zealand Government yet again!


HYAH!

25 comments:

  1. Either this is funny stuff or I'm way too drunk for 9 in the morning. Keep it up.

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  2. Drunk cooking often results in me having to go to the emergency room with some sort of stab injury.

    NHS for the win.

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  3. But my mates sister is, like, 6. Dude, seriously.

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  4. Funny shit lol Best I've read today. Time to try this out !

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  5. haha nice one. i have to try it later

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  6. I drunk cooked once, and rested my hand on the burner. Never again

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  7. I've never seen a more entertaining egg recipe.

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  8. If it weren't for drunk cooking, nobody would ever invent new foods!

    ...Before you go thinking that's universally good, remember Vegemite.

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  9. sounds like a great recipe I will try it out!

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  10. lol too funny!

    http://all-around-toto.blogspot.com/

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  11. My favorite quote of the day is now "FUCK ORPHANS. If you are an orphan, fuck you, I would have died if I were your parent, too." hahaha you need to be careful cooking so drunk and so angry

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  12. I have a friend who scalded his "lower abdomen" while doing this.

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  13. maybe ill make this for breakfast tomorrow

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  14. Man, For a DRUNK ommellete I'm surprised there isn't more crap in there!

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  15. Is it safe to try cooking while drunk?

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  16. Omg this is gold man! For step six I would say to definitely hit on your friends sister, hey maybe even his mother if shes around!

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  17. i had no idea kiwis had it so hard.....

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  18. Lmao! This is the story of my Saturday morning!

    Awesome blog! Followed! :D

    -Fighthesky.blogspot.com

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  19. LOL very entertaining. I think I'll try this out the next time a couple of my friends are feeling the need to set their ass hairs on fire.

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  20. nice. drunk cooking means burned food over here

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  21. I'll have to try this the next time I get drunk hahahahaa!

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